


전하지 못한 진심 (The Truth Untold)

by ofreverentia



Category: Figure Skating RPF
Genre: Feelings Realization, Inner Dialogue, M/M, Moving On, Song Lyrics, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-01-27
Updated: 2020-01-27
Packaged: 2021-02-27 07:42:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 854
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22433593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ofreverentia/pseuds/ofreverentia
Summary: Full of lonelinessThis garden bloomedFull of thornsI bind myself in this sand castle
Relationships: Javier Fernández & Yuzuru Hanyu, Javier Fernández/Yuzuru Hanyu
Comments: 2
Kudos: 17





	전하지 못한 진심 (The Truth Untold)

**Author's Note:**

> A/N: Originally posted on the 22nd of June 2018. Reposting with small corrections here and there. Original notes: I think we all know what happened... For the new level of pain please listen to BTS - The truth untold while reading.

_Full of loneliness_

_This garden bloomed_

_Full of thorns_

_I bind myself in this sand castle_

_What is your name_

_Do you have a place to go_

_Oh could you tell me?_

_I saw you hiding in this garden_

_And I know_

_All of your warmth is real_

_The blue flower your hand was picking_

_I want to hold it but_

Yuzuru could not pinpoint when exactly these feelings have appeared but maybe they were always lingering deep within him, were there before he jumped on the plane, moving across the globe to become a better skater. His goal was to reach the top of the podium, not allowing anyone else (but Javier, maybe) to be better than him. Most importantly, he wanted to be content with himself, feel he could beat himself and his own standard, the perfect image in any competition. Somewhere in between his feelings have bloomed to be something more than rivalry, friendship or training mates. Yuzuru believes he truly realized it during Fantasy on Ice in 2017, albeit a bit too late. Miki was not in the picture anymore but there was a new girl, he could tell. Javier spent more time on his phone, secretive smile spreading over his features as he typed away whatever cheesy sentences his new girlfriend expected from him or he just simply wanted to send. Everyone knew how much of a romantic he was and liked to shower those of his interest with all kinds of sweet words. A bitter laugh escaped him before he turned on his heel deciding he could not speak to Javier about feelings he may have for him. Not when he was falling for someone who was not him.

_It’s my fate_

_Don’t smile on me_

_Lie to me_

_Because I can’t get closer to you_

_There’s no name you can call me_

_You know that I can’t_

_Show you me_

_Give you me_

_I can’t show you a ruined part of myself_

_Once again I put a mask again and go to see you_

_But I still want you_

He was not perfect on the contrary, his mind, heart and body consisted more of broken pieces glued together than actually healthy parts. Yuzuru looked at himself like someone who was held together by the love and support of those surrounding him. If that affection faltered, he himself started to break apart. He believes that somewhere throughout the years they have known each other, Javier realized that as well and had to put some distance between them. A limit to how much you can give yourself to someone else, who was willing to bask in it but never truly return it. Yuzuru learned to put on a mask for everyone around him, even for himself, ignoring how broken he looked in the reflection of his mirror each morning. As he watched Javier going through his short program routine his heart screamed for him. So loud he had to excuse himself for a few minutes claiming he needed a toilet break, ignoring the worried glance Tracy sent his direction.

_Bloomed in a garden of loneliness_

_A flower that resembles you_

_I wanted to give it to you_

_After I take of this foolish mask_

_But I know_

_I can't do that forever_

_I have to hide_

_Because I'm a monster_

_I am afraid_

_I am shattered_

_I’m so afraid_

_That you will leave me again in the end_

_Once again I put on a mask and go to see you_

At the Olympics he thought to reveal his true feelings, to speak the words he had been holding onto for far too long, through the pain and hurt but as he watched Javier brushing a tear away right before the flower ceremony; Yuzuru adjusted his mask all over again. Javier will leave Toronto and essentially him too, go back to the new girlfriend he had. There was no room for him in the Spaniards life, the heart he wished to claim as his already too drifted away from him.

_The only thing I can do_

_In the garden_

_In this world_

_Is to bloom a pretty flower that resembles you_

_And to breathe as the me that you know_

_But I still want you_

_I still want you_

_Maybe back then_

_A little_

_Just this much_

_If I had the courage to stand before you_

_Would everything be different now_

_And I still want you_

_But I still want you_

Fantasy on Ice 2018. Yuzuru threw his head back laughing until his eyes disappeared. He reaching behind him for the other and soon he felt strong hands grasping his hands. They will be fine, he will be fine. Maybe he won’t get a happy ending to his feelings, wake up in the warm embrace of the other but he knows he still had a special spot in Javier’s heart. Yuzuru will learn how to get past this albeit it may take him a few more years. Until then he will wear his mask hoping the small tiny cracks along the smooth surface won’t be seen by anyone around him.


End file.
